


A Moment to Soar

by spectreofstardust



Series: The Month of Markbum (or June for short) [16]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You All, Its not too bad - mostly off screen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Please read if you can handle it, Suicide Attempt, Youngjae is such a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 04:05:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14992361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectreofstardust/pseuds/spectreofstardust
Summary: Day 16: Mental HealthMark knows he should speak up, but doesn't know how. Everything gets caught in his throat and he can't breathe. He's drowning...despite the good friends and good times that surround him. When his accident comes to light, it's then that he realizes it's important to enjoy what you have when you have it and do everything to take care of yourself.Make sure to read the tags before proceeding





	A Moment to Soar

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ I'm back for a bit since I have this installment and two more to post! I really wanted to give mental health a try, but I'm not entirely proud of this story.....It was hard for me to write this and portray what I felt needed to be shown. I hope you all enjoy as much as you can despite the angst >.<

_ Now was his one and only chance to try, to soar before everything came crashing down. _

  
  


The evening has, somehow, become even more sticky and humid than when Mark and Youngjae entered the hospital. Youngjae didn’t notice as he ran inside the looming building, but it had been all Mark could think about. He wipes away the sweat with his good arm, the other is in a cast, only for more sweat to immediately appear in the same spot.

 

Even if he wanted to complain, there is no way he could. The air ceases to exist and his lungs stop working, but he doesn’t choke or try to draw in breath. He wants it to end. Not being able to breathe is the least of his worries. 

 

Mark hears a ringing in his ears that he wishes he could grow used to. Even when he tries to sleep, the  ringing in his ears is nonstop and keeps him awake throughout the night. It isn’t until Youngjae tapped him on the shoulder that Mark realized he had been talking to him. 

 

“I’m sorry.” _For more than not hearing what you said._ But everytime Mark tries to tell his friend that, the words remained lodged in his throat and refuse to come out. Why couldn’t he be normal? “Can you please repeat that?” 

 

“I said that we should go out for ice cream before I take you home!” Even now, Youngjae’s bright personality can’t be dampened. Mark is aware he that he’s overcompensating, trying to cheer him up as they leave the hospital and climb into his car. There is no way he can tell his sunshine friend about how much of a lost cause he is. 

 

“That sounds fun. Let’s go!” His traitor lips even form a smile as Youngjae turns the keys and drives out of the parking lot. Mark is grateful to delay his inevitable return home. There is no way he can face his parents now or ever again. 

 

Youngjae happily digs into his ice cream, unaware of the inner turmoil in Mark as he just moves his ice cream around. He only feels worse when Youngjae paid for the ice cream, since Mark is the one who broke his arm, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

 

Mark managed a small thank you and the rest of the words get stuck in his throat, choking him from the inside. It’s hot even in the ice cream shop and he can’t breathe. 

 

Youngjae doesn’t rush or press him about when he wants to go home, so they spend an hour sitting in the ice cream parlor, talking (Youngjae does most of that) and eating (Youngjae does most of that and Mark doesn’t complain when Youngjae digs into his ice cream as well since he never wanted it anyway.) Mark reluctantly shuts the door and waves at Youngjae as he backs out. He stands there in the driveway for what feels like another hour before he heads into the dark house. 

 

The rest of his family is already asleep without any worry about where he was. He checks on his parents first and then BamBam, his adopted brother. 

 

Mark is about to close the door to his younger brother’s bedroom when BamBam’s tired voice causes him to freeze. “Mark? Where were you?” He turns around and sees BamBam sitting up. 

 

You ruin everything, Mark. As always, Mark cannot disagree with the voice in his head. “I was hanging out with Youngjae. Go back to bed, BamBam. I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

“Is that a cast?”

 

And what can Mark do except for lie? He vows to not cause his family anymore pain while he can. “Yeah...I was climbing the tree and fell. Youngjae is the one who found me.” It was a lethal combination of lies and truth that stopped Mark’s breathing. It was true for everything except the part of the story that mattered. “Go to bed, BamBam. Good night.” This time he does close the door to end the conversation and goes back to his own room. 

 

Once he’s in the comfort of his own space in the house, he allows the tears to run down his face. The sobs cause his body to shake, but he doesn’t make a noise. He never makes a noise. Through every important moment in Mark’s life, he stood in the background, as quiet as a mouse. It’s only now in the shelter of his own room that he allows himself to worry about what Youngjae knows. The kid had always been too intuitive for his own good. He’s only able to finally get to sleep once he’s exhausted himself. 

  
  
  


BamBam comes down to breakfast with a marker and smiles happily when he learns he’ll be the first person to sign his older brother’s cast. After that, the silence closes in on the breakfast table and Mark shows no visible signs that he can’t breathe. He has no idea what to talk about with his brother despite normally being about to talk about anything, well...almost anything. 

 

The silence is shattered as their parents stomp down the stairs, voices loud and armed with the powerful weapon of words meant to cut. Mark doesn’t say anything and for once, neither does BamBam. They eat their breakfast in silence and disappear once their done. 

 

They both head outside into the too hot air. Mark wonders how BamBam can breathe like it’s natural. “You know,” The ringing in his ears quiets for a moment as he focuses on what BamBam is saying. “I’m going to call Jaebum since I’m surprised you haven’t yet. I’ll also call Yugyeom and Youngjae and Jinyoung and Jackson. They all need to come sign your cast!”

 

It would’ve been fine except that Mark didn’t want any of this. He wanted to disappear quietly and not create any waves. “Okay. That’s a good idea!”

 

The two brothers head over to Yugyeom’s house since he had graciously offered to host their little party. BamBam presses a kiss to his boyfriend’s mouth and Mark thanks him a million times. Yugyeom waves him off and points out that it’s nothing special. They don’t realize how special it is, which Mark can understand. Why would a normal get together of their group be something to celebrate? 

 

He wanted to tell them to cherish the little mundane moments while they could, but the words get stuck in his throat so he goes to sit down on the couch. Yugyeom comes back with a ton of markers and hands them to Mark before sitting beside BamBam, their hands entwined together.

 

No one is a stranger to Yugyeom’s house and they let themselves in, calling their hellos to the present parents loudly before entering the house. Jinyoung is the first one to arrive and chooses black as the color he wants to write on Mark with. Mark thinks that it’s very appropriate given the situation. Jackson signs in blue. The two colors reflect Mark’s heart. A bruise isn’t something that could be healed by a a band-aid. 

 

Yugyeom takes a red and Mark tries not to think about making actual blood run down his arm. Mark looks around and knows that no one else is thinking about that. It’s just him, separated by the others by the weird thoughts that fill his head. 

 

Youngjae refuses to sign. Everyone asks why, but he only shrugs in response. Mark can’t bring himself to look the younger in the eye. That is all the confirmation he needed to know that Youngjae  _ knows.  _

 

Jaebum strolls in like he owns the place and chooses green as his color. It’s another reminder that Mark doesn’t deserve him. That Jaebum is life and Mark is death. Even so, he lets himself indulge in the sensation of Jaebum’s hand on his and the way he can feel Jaebum’s marker even through the layer of cast. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Jaebum recoils like he’s been bitten.

 

“I’m so sorry, babe! Did I hurt you?” He leans down a presses a quick kiss to the older’s cheek to make the pain go away. It’s touching even if Mark knows better than anyone that pain doesn’t work like that. 

 

Mark can feel Youngjae watching him like a hawk from across the room. 

 

“No,” Mark chokes out through his tears and it’s the closest thing he’s said to a truth in years. “I’m just really happy to see you.” He is selfish and weak to show emotion like this, to let himself enjoy this. The comfort of friends is a source of warmth to everyone else, but all Mark wanted to do is pull away. He struggled to breathe, but the warm air flowed into his lungs in small doses. 

 

“You’re so silly.” Jaebum smacks him lightly on the shoulder above his uninjured arm. “It’s not like I was going anywhere.”

 

“I know....”  _ But I almost did.  _ Suddenly Mark can't breathe again and he knows Youngjae notices that his chest stops moving as the air flow cuts off. 

 

“When you get better, I’m going to take you on a date.” It’s a promise that signals the end of Mark’s cast signing. Yugyeom puts in a movie before sitting back down on the couch and curling into BamBam’s side. 

 

Mark watches them more than he watches the movie. He’s always liked Yugyeom, thought of him as a brother. One day he might be an in-law if Mark lives long enough. He hopes Yugyeom will stick by BamBam’s side no matter what. 

 

He turns his gaze over to Jinyoung and Jackson as they whisper to each other rather than watch the movie. For them, he wishes that they can also be a source of strength for the other, even if something terrible happens. 

 

Mark doesn’t allow his gaze to linger on Youngjae longer than it turns to crack his face into a smile. He turns his attention to Jaebum and watches him react to the movie. That’s all Mark ever is good for really - watching others reactions because he is too in the background to provide his own. He isn’t watching Jaebum for any reason except to watch  _ Jaebum.  _ The tears could wait until he is safe in his own room. 

  
  
  


The summer is always a miserable time for Mark. The sweltering heat always threatened to suffocate him more than usual. He had a hard time drawing the heavy air into his lungs. This summer is different in that he isn’t even trying. Suffocation is his new natural state and he isn’t complaining. 

 

It is made worse by having an arm in a cast. While everyone is off having fun, his parents forced him to stay inside incase he “hurt himself even more”. BamBam would shoot him an apologetic look before heading over to Yugyeom’s house. Most of the time their friends would come to their house in order to accomodate Mark. 

 

The word that gets caught in his throat most often is sorry. There were so many people he needed to apologize to, but he didn’t know how to even start. The words were wedged in his throat like a piece of candy that is poisoning him from the inside. A slow acting poison that would get him eventually. 

 

Instead, he didn't say anything of consequence. He is  _ stupid  _ and  _ weak.  _ Some things never change. 

 

Looking around at his friends, happy and carefree, he hoped they never did. 

  
  
  
  


_ The wind blew beneath him, challenging his position as he climbed higher and higher. _

  
  


It’s only a few weeks later that Jaebum took Mark out on the date that he promised he would. Mark’s arm is still in a cast, but his parents had stopped with the house arrest and even encouraged him to get out of the house. 

 

In the house there is air conditioning, which made it easier to breathe. He wanted to be outside where he could easily suffocate and fade away. He’s used to fading into the background anyway. 

 

Jaebum drives them to a fancy restaurant outside of their town. That’s how Mark knows it’s fancy. On their way into the restaurant, Mark spots some birds flying overhead and a pang of jealousy strikes at his heart. 

 

The younger must have had a reservation because they’re seated within fifteen minutes despite the front section of the restaurant being packed to the brim. 

 

After they’ve sat down and ordered their food, Mark works up the courage to ask, “Jaebum, why are you dating me?”

 

“What do you mean?” Jaebum takes a cool, controlled sip of the water from the fancy crystal glass. His piercing gaze would cut into Mark’s soul if Mark hadn’t hidden it behind so many layers. Maybe if he could open up things would be different, but he doesn’t let his thoughts continue down that path. 

 

“I mean, why  _ me?  _ There are so many better people. People more deserving.” Mark looks down at his hands that are folded on the table and waits for the truth.  _ It’ll be easier if he breaks up with me now.  _

 

Instead of the words containing weapons that he braced and also hoped for, the ones he hears his parents use everyday, Jaebum reaches across the table and loving takes Mark’s hand into his own. “Because I love you.”

 

Mark almost chokes this time. It isn’t the first time they’ve said they love each other, but it’s the only time he wishes it isn’t true. “Jaebum, please. It’s important.”

 

“Because you’re smart, funny, strong, amazing. You may stand quietly in the background, but I can always tell what you’re thinking, and when you do comment it’s always the most well thought out or hilarious comment.” Jaebum squeezes his hand and Mark sees a light in his eyes that he wishes he could snuff out. “I love you because you’re not afraid to be yourself.”

 

Mark wants to comment, tell him that he  _ is  _ afraid to be himself, but the words get stuck and the waiter comes with their food and the moment has passed. So many moments have slipped by, like a fast paced river. Rather than diving in, he stands on the bank and watches. 

 

There’s a noose around his throat and he can feel it tighten with each passing moment. 

 

The food is delicious and he gratefully tells Jaebum as much. He even allows himself to indulge in dessert without any negative thoughts. If he was smart, he would distance himself from Jaebum, but he can’t help it if he wants to see the light in Jaebum’s eyes burn bright whenever he looked at Mark. He wants to stay by the younger’s side without any regrets, even if it’s only for a little bit longer. 

 

He’s  _ stupid  _ and  _ selfish  _ and  _ weak.  _ But for one night, everything he sees is perfect. He’s the source of darkness in the light of Jaebum’s life, but that will be fixed soon. 

 

They hold hands until Jaebum drops Mark back off at his house. 

 

Mark cries harder than any other night. He allows himself to think about the curve of Jaebum’s shoulder in a picture he committed to his memory before kissing him good night, the touch of Jaebum’s bronze skin against his own pale skin, the sound of Jaebum’s laugh after a joke he told. He allows Jaebum’s scent and taste to overwhelm his senses as he closes his eyes and wishes for an unobtainable happiness. 

 

It was always too late for him. 

  
  
  
  


_ From here, he could see over the roofs of the nearby houses and he wondered if this would be his view for the rest of time.  _

  
  


Mark starts spending more and more time in higher up places. He took Jaebum to the side of a mountain for one of their dates. While his boyfriend stayed firmly planted on the ground, Mark climbed up onto the top of the wall and stretched his arms out behind him. He ignored Jaebum’s worried shouts in favor focusing on the warm breeze. There is no ringing in his ears for that one moment. 

 

Jaebum must have told Youngjae about it. That’s the only explanation he can come up with when he comes back from standing on the edge of the tree house to see his family and Youngjae sitting on the couch together in an arranged formation. 

 

All eyes turn to him as he enters and conversation stops. The ringing is louder than ever and he can’t breathe, but Mark knows that no one can tell. No one cares enough to tell. 

 

“Mark, is this true?” Mark and BamBam’s mother speaks in a harsh whisper after a long, painful silence that dragged on seemingly forever. “Why would you do something so stupid? Your life isn’t that bad!”

 

“Suicide, really Mark? It’s selfish and cowardly!” Mark didn’t look at his dad as he spoke. 

 

“You have so much to live for!” 

 

“Things could be worse! You’re weak if you think this is bad!”

 

Mark interrupted the back and forth expression of his parents to glare at Youngjae. “How dare you tell them. I trusted you, Youngjae.”

 

“It wasn’t me!” Youngjae holds up his hands before pointing at BamBam. “It was his idea!”

 

“Fine. I can’t believe you told BamBam.”

 

“I was worried about you. Jaebum told me about how you had been acting more reckless recently. I thought they deserved to know. That way they can keep an eye on you.” Youngjae doesn’t look apologetic anymore. Mark knows that Youngjae is looking out for his best interests, but he doesn’t want help. Especially not now. 

 

“I’m sorry,” BamBam sobbed loudly. “I didn’t want to tell them, but I had no idea what else to do!” The Thai boy jumps up and runs to Mark, wrapping his arms around him. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having a hard time? I love you so much Mark! I don’t ever want to lose you.”

 

Mark blinks back tears in his own eyes. He wraps his good arm behind BamBam’s back and strokes his hair from behind. “I’m sorry, BamBam.” The complete truth feels weird in Mark’s mouth, but he still feels like he’s holding back. In a way he is. There are traps everywhere and he has to walk the tightrope to keep from falling in. “I didn’t know how to tell you or anyone.” He still doesn’t, but he feels that it’s better if they think the problem is solved. It hurts him how simple they think everything is. 

  
  
  
  


_ He stretched out his arms behind him and felt the sun on his face. _

  
  


Rather than getting him the help he needs, his parents tell all of Mark’s friends about his secret plight, painting him with a negative light that only parents can achieve. They beg them to keep an eye on their baby boy and protect him from the demons of the world.

 

They don’t realize that the demons are all inside Mark’s head. 

 

Now when they gather, everyone seems to hold their breath and Mark wants to yell at them to breathe normally, but the words don’t make it out of his heart. He can’t yell at anyone. He doesn’t have the strength. 

 

Everyone seems to have joined him on the tightrope. They all cater to him, asking what he wants to do and get him his favorite ice cream. He’s glad they’re enjoying the mundane moments, but he didn’t want it this way. 

 

Mark is leaving Yugyeom’s house after another gathering (his parents will only let him leave the house if it’s under the care of his brother and their five friends) when Jaebum pulls him in a different direction. Jaebum answers BamBam’s questioning gaze with an easy smile and that’s all his younger brother needs. He stands in the driveway while the two talk since he can’t go inside without his older brother. 

 

They stand under  _ the tree  _ in their backyard and Mark isn’t ready to bring his demons into the light. It’s his burden, one that Jaebum doesn’t need to share. 

 

“Mark, I have to ask, you know that right?” He continues when Mark nods. “I hope you know how much I love you. Is it not enough?”

 

“Jaebum...please....”

 

“Why didn’t you talk to me? I had no idea you were having a hard time.” 

 

“I don’t know how to talk about it, okay? I didn’t and I still don’t. Everyone in my family likes to pretend that everything's okay when it’s not.” He scoffs before he keeps talking. “I’m surprised they even told the truth about what happened. I love you, Jaebum, and I’m sorry, but it just wasn’t enough.” Mark blinks rapidly and looks up at the top of the tree. He would’ve been successful if he had the strength to climb all the way to the top. “I feel like I’m suffocating. Everytime I want to say something, it never comes out. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. Ending it all would be easier.”

 

“Do you really still believe that?”

 

Mark turned his gaze to the ground. It is so easy to see himself as he had been that night. 

 

He had climbed up the tree to what he thought would be high enough before jumping off. Instead of being greeted by death, he laid on the ground in pain for hours, but had never cried out. It’s like he had forgotten how to share his pain with others, instead keeping it locked inside himself. Hours passed before Youngjae found him lying on the ground. Rather than ask questions, he carried Mark to his car and drove him to the hospital. 

 

“I was too weak, Jaebum.” Tears run down his cheeks and Jaebum pulls him into a strong hug. “I should’ve died. Everything would’ve been easier. I wouldn’t have to see how traumatized Youngjae is or plan how to push you away. I don’t want you to be in pain, but I can’t breathe Jaebum. It hurts too much. I’m not normal. I deserve to die.”

 

“Ssshhhh....shhhhh. Mark, it’s okay.” Jaebum continued to stroke Mark’s hair until he had calmed down enough to stop hyperventilating. “I’m going to let you in on a secret Mark. No one is normal. No one is. That’s what makes you special. In the morning, I’m going to take you my mom’s friend. She’s a psychiatrist and she can help you, okay?”

 

Mark reluctantly nodded. There is no way he deserves to be helped or saved. He had caused everyone around him so much pain already. 

 

“I want you to stay, here, with me. I want to grow old with you and kiss you more. Call me selfish, but that’s what I want.”

 

“...I want that too.”

 

Jaebum kissed the top of Mark’s head. “Then I promise you don’t have to talk to me about anything you don’t want to. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to take you to see the doctor in the morning.”

 

“Thank you, Jaebum. I can’t live like this.” It surprises Mark to realize that he does want to live. He wants to grow old with Jaebum, he wants to attend BamBam and Yugyeom’s wedding, he wants to pay Youngjae back for looking after him, he wants to read books with Jinyoung and go fencing with Jackson. “Without you, nothing would get better.” 

 

BamBam eventually came to the backyard in search of his brother and joined their crying circle. Mark is overwhelmed by someone suggesting an actual solution, rather than hiding his depression in shame, and Jaebum is still reeling from the knowledge that Mark’s broken arm had been from a suicide attempt. 

 

Eventually they all went inside together and Jaebum stayed the night. They didn’t stop holding hands until Mark went into his doctor’s appointment. 

  
  
  
  


_ When he as a kid, he had always wanted to fly. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> P.S. Mark's parents are the exact examples of what NOT to say. 
> 
> The theme for tomorrow is that one of them is sick and needs the other to take care of them, so I'm super excited to post that story! After that, we only have one more before all the sequels! I'm going to try to get to them as soon as I can since I'm so excited to post them...
> 
> ...But also they must be perfect!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!! <3 I'm on twitter @sprectreofstars if you ever want to chat or fangirl together!


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